Struggle on the teaching front.

So...It is only the fourth day into this Teach for America thing and I am already doubting why I am here, and if I can do it. I feel weak and stupid and very incapable. Needless to say, I am really looking to God as my identity, since all the things I once thought of myself to be, are completely void in this setting. 

I found out Monday night that we were going to be giving our students diagnostic tests. We had to take a class that evening on how to administer this test, which was complicated. It had two parts, and consisted of a various part reading test, to see what level these kids are on. While, this assessment can be very helpful, for someone - like me - who learned it the night before, I saw my ability to be effective really suck. 

On Wednesday we gave these tests. During this time I felt so unorganized and all over the place. They were using the same materials for 80 people, who were trying to test 400 kids, within a three hour period. I realize how frustrating teachers feel when they have to share supplies with so many, and cannot adequately teach their lesson. I was able to complete three students' assessments, which was an accomplishment. 

I also found out that my first three lesson plans were due on Thursday morning. They did not actually teach us how to write one until wednesday afternoon, and even then a lot of confusion still existed. I will be teaching writing for my first week, so I had to write a lesson plan on brainstorming, introduction and middle paragraphs. Not knowing how to approach this on a third grade level, and what exactly I needed to complete this - I found myself up until very late putting words together. I spent six hours last night writing these lesson plans, and I felt like I didn't even understand what I was trying to teach. Third graders, how do I relate to them? How do I teach them? 

I feel so lost, overwhelmed, and most of all I am doubting my ability to be a teacher. I am wondering if my leadership abilities are really prepared to be a teacher. I feel like maybe I was desperate to find something to do after college that I chose this impulsively. But then I look at all the doors God opened and I feel like somehow I need to be here. I find my doubt is coming from exhaustion and failures I feel I've endured. 

Each day I wake up telling myself to stay positive. Looking for the little God moments, because I feel like that is were he will be most of the time. I feel Him using this experience to grow me on such a huge level, and I am excited for that. But teaching these kids terrify me. How to relate to third graders stumps me, and all the skills needed to do this profession make me feel inadequate. 

I want to cry. I want to sleep. I want to spend a day that is not consumed in this stuff. Where I can process everything I am doing, and digest what life is throwing at me. 

Please just pray that I find strength and encouragement in the Lord. That God works through me to touch these children, my students, and that I can persevere through the very hard moments. Like now.

Have a good weekend! 

Amiee