Perspective.

I haven't been keeping up with this as much as I would like. However, I haven't been doing a lot of things as much as I wanted to during this time. 

I have a student named Khadeem. He is very smart, as all of my children are. However, the problem with Khadeem is that he does not believe in himself. Today, when the kids had to take a math benchmark, he began to cry. He cried because he did not understand it. I remember, so vividly, when I was in elementary school, doing math one day. I did not understand it and began to cry. I was so frustrated. I felt so incapable of accomplishing that math, and I did not believe in myself. Khadeem sat at his desk today and had no faith in his abilities. He was completely convinced that he was not smart enough, that he could not do it. 

And the thing is, he can! He is so smart, so capable of living the life God intended for him to have. He told me once that he wants to be a football player. He can do that! He can ace every position, score touchdowns and win the game, but he has to believe in himself first. 

I felt so helpless, so unable to show him how much he means to this world. How much he is worth and is going to contribute. I realized his lack of faith in himself paralyzed him. Khadeem was not able to accomplish the math test because he already told himself that he failed. He stopped himself from achieving. He was the very obstacle that stood in the way. 

Wow. This is exactly the relationship I have with God and His plan for me. He is telling me I can ace His tests, and I sit at my desk convinced I am worthless. I don't believe in myself, I stand in the way of my own abilities. God works so relentlessly to show me how much I can do, and am capable of. I just shut Him out, I write it all off because I don't believe it. I am sure God feels hopeless. I am sure, just like me with Khadeem, God is running out of ways to convince my heart that I can do His will. 

And, it is not a matter of me not being able to do it. I have proven my abilities, but still I doubt it. 

Khadeem did not pass the math test today, and there will be times when he fails. There are always times of failure, but that doesn't mean he isn't capable. It just means he has a lot of learning to do, and growing. I am going to fail often, especially in pursuit of God's perfect plan for me. However, it is not because I can't do it, but that the growing and learning never stops here on earth. 

I wrote "YOU ARE SMART" on a sticky note and stuck it on Khadeem's desk today. So every time he hung his head, he was reminded of all the things HE IS! God sticks that note on my heart everyday. One that says, "YOU'RE GOOD ENOUGH!" And some days it works, others I struggle to see the words through tears and frustration. 

I am beginning to feel why I am here. I look around at all my kids and realize one thing most of them lack is confidence in who they are. I have spent my entire life lacking that, and it was only through God's eyes that I saw my true value. 

I also see that just as my kids are growing into who they are, I am still doing the same too in my walk with Christ. 

I am exhausted, emotionally, mentally, and physically. But, if I can walk away this summer having shown one kid their worth in God's eyes then it was all worth it. 

Khadeem is going to be the greatest football player there is. I KNOW IT! And God tells me everyday that I am going to be the greatest person He has built to be. HE KNOWS IT! 

Prayers for strength, courage and perspective, thanks guys!