And yet, all I can think about are the things in my life that seem to be falling apart at the seams. I am trying to show my kids what an inference is and in the back of my mind I am thinking about how she may not be here next week. How our evening movie nights will be one person short. How my weekends spent in the sun room with her will be memories I cherish so dearly.
Every morning when I wake up I open up my jewelry container and stare at the cross earrings she gave me. And I can feel God's peace speaking into my heart, but I feel it shattering at the same time with the thought of having to say good-bye. How do I teach when I am a complete mess in every other part of this life I live?
And yet, here is Teach for America telling me I need to push forward. I need to leave the "baggage" at the door and think about the children. I need to remember why I am standing in front of that classroom every morning; for them.
Teaching is a hard job in itself. Yet, to add personal struggle and trial makes that so much more daunting. So how have I been doing it? What keeps getting me up in the morning? Why do I keep gravitating towards that classroom where 15 third graders sit? I come back for them. I find some way to compose myself enough to really try my best for their futures.
I think of my student Khadeem. He has been struggling lately because he hasn't been able to see his mom. She deals with addiction and his step-father wont let Khadeem see her. Naturally, all Khadeem wants is to be with his mom, and he can't be. So he comes to class and acts up. And deep down I see that he is just trying to deal with this pain, this brokenness. I feel that pain with him. The feeling of knowing that someone you love can't be there with you. I see these children and their trails each day. I hear how they are labeled "basic." I see how the rest of the world looks at them. I see the doubt every one has in their futures, all because of this life they were dealt.
I keep coming back every morning because they aren't basic. I keep coming back because to me they are the smartest, most precious things this world has. I keep coming back everyday because I believe in their futures, in fact I can already picture them. I come back because they don't need a saviour, that is Jesus, but my students need a cheerleader. Someone who is going to root them on in their darkest hours, encourage them, show them humility and write them an encouraging note on a bad day. That is why I can get up every morning. That is why I can some how fight back the tears, the exhaustion and keep going. I am doing it for them. Not for every child in this world, but for my fifteen kids. For Daimain, Dominick, Ashley, Khadeem, Nyja, Angel, Juan, Josue, Regina, Celeste, Ciara, Dianaliz, Elora, Esmerelda, Cassandra, Naomi...I do this for them.
I still have bad days. Moments when I have to collect my heart. Wipe of tears and really try to get through the day. These kids have shown me what it means to be relentless, to persevere. These kids have taught me what it feels like to face adversity. Khadeem has taught me what it's like to hurt in a way that makes us wonder, can I get through today? And we can, he can. And we will.
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