Thursday, July 24, 2008

can I get through?

How do I lead my class when I am all out of everything? How do I walk into the classroom ready to command a classroom when I am tired, sick and broken? I have been wondering about this in the past week. I am on reserve. I am scrounging up all the energy I have to teach these children. 

And yet, all I can think about are the things in my life that seem to be falling apart at the seams. I am trying to show my kids what an inference is and in the back of my mind I am thinking about how she may not be here next week. How our evening movie nights will be one person short. How my weekends spent in the sun room with her will be memories I cherish so dearly. 

Every morning when I wake up I open up my jewelry container and stare at the cross earrings she gave me. And I can feel God's peace speaking into my heart, but I feel it shattering at the same time with the thought of having to say good-bye. How do I teach when I am a complete mess in every other part of this life I live? 

And yet, here is Teach for America telling me I need to push forward. I need to leave the "baggage" at the door and think about the children. I need to remember why I am standing in front of that classroom every morning; for them. 

Teaching is a hard job in itself. Yet, to add personal struggle and trial makes that so much more daunting. So how have I been doing it? What keeps getting me up in the morning? Why do I keep gravitating towards that classroom where 15 third graders sit? I come back for them. I find some way to compose myself enough to really try my best for their futures.  

I think of my student Khadeem. He has been struggling lately because he hasn't been able to see his mom. She deals with addiction and his step-father wont let Khadeem see her. Naturally, all Khadeem wants is to be with his mom, and he can't be. So he comes to class and acts up. And deep down I see that he is just trying to deal with this pain, this brokenness. I feel that pain with him. The feeling of knowing that someone you love can't be there with you. I see these children and their trails each day. I hear how they are labeled "basic." I see how the rest of the world looks at them. I see the doubt every one has in their futures, all because of this life they were dealt. 

I keep coming back every morning because they aren't basic. I keep coming back because to me they are the smartest, most precious things this world has. I keep coming back everyday because I believe in their futures, in fact I can already picture them. I come back because they don't need a saviour, that is Jesus, but my students need a cheerleader. Someone who is going to root them on in their darkest hours, encourage them, show them humility and write them an encouraging note on a bad day. That is why I can get up every morning. That is why I can some how fight back the tears, the exhaustion and keep going. I am doing it for them. Not for every child in this world, but for my fifteen kids. For Daimain, Dominick, Ashley, Khadeem, Nyja, Angel, Juan, Josue, Regina, Celeste, Ciara, Dianaliz, Elora, Esmerelda, Cassandra, Naomi...I do this for them. 

I still have bad days. Moments when I have to collect my heart. Wipe of tears and really try to get through the day. These kids have shown me what it means to be relentless, to persevere. These kids have taught me what it feels like to face adversity. Khadeem has taught me what it's like to hurt in a way that makes us wonder, can I get through today? And we can, he can. And we will. 

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

schedule...

My day:

Wake up @ 535AM
Put on my flip-flops, grab my lunch box. 
Head down to fill my lunch box and grab breakfast. 

My lunch is the same everyday: turkey sandwich, apple, banana, water and chips. 
Breakfast has no variety: bagel and water and apple and banana. 

Arrive back to room @ 6AM
Eat my breakfast while I check my email.
Find a scripture for the day, to think about and pray over. 

@ 615AM
Get dressed, brush teeth and get ready for the day. 

@640AM
Grab stuff and head off to the bus. 

@715AM
Arrive at school. 
Sign-in
Check mailbox
turn in assignments
Head to classroom

@730AM
prepare for lesson, math/literacy hour
distribute pencils for students
clean up lesson materials from day before
organize life...

@8AM
Students arrive
Stand at the front of the class with my teacher face.
Hand out stickers to those who come in and sit quietly. 
Do daily stretches with kids. 

@9AM
Begin Word Study and Reading lesson 

@1035AM 
Finish lesson for the day, transition with teaching partner. 

@1040
Curriculum session

@1230
C.S. session ends, head up to classroom. 

@1230
Meet with Teaching Advisor to go over the day's lesson. 

@1245
Lunch! Time to breathe!

@115
C.S session 2 begins 

@250
Some other class, depends on the day. 

@420PM
Session ends (YAY!) 
head to bus to go back to dorms. 

@ 515PM
Dinner time! (well, normally). 

@6PM
Night workshops. 

@8PM
begin homework for the next day

@1130-1200
Get ready for bed, take a shower. 

@1200
SLEEP! (WHEW!)

I have never been so aware of every minute in a day before this experience. Now, I count every minute as valued, and realize that if my life is not micro-organized I am being unproductive. Well, at least in a Teach for America context.

I just wanted to give you a visual of what an average day looks like for me this week...

Prayer for strength, endurance and perspective, that I really focus on God's lens and not my own selfish one.

Thanks! More later, time to sleep. 


Monday, July 21, 2008

I will.

My body is tired, my brain hurts but my heart keeps going. I have come to the conclusion that this is exactly how a teacher feels everyday. It goes far beyond Philadelphia Institute. It goes far beyond the 9-5 work week. Every day, a teacher keeps going not because of the energy they can sustain, but the passion in their hearts. At least that is what keeps me going each day. 

Khadeem is going down hill quickly. He doesn't pay attention anymore. He just disrupts the class. My first instinct is to punish him, but that doesn't have any effect. Khadeem acts out because he is struggling. 

I had a bad attitude at school today. I was tired, unfocused and all over the place. I didn't pay attention or contribute productively today but not intentionally. My behavior affected my actions at school today. I see Khadeem to be in the same boat. He is just trying to process his struggles outside of school, and sometimes if he doesn't get it all figured out they mix together. 

I think about the grace I ask from my colleagues and advisors on days like these. Shouldn't I give the same grace to Khadeem? I need too. 

I look at these children and see their stories. Dianaliz, Dominick, Angel, Juan, Josue, Celeste, Regina; each of them have a story. Each of them have struggles and obstacles to overcome. For the past four weeks we have been so focused on achievement, forgetting that as humans we are all just trying to make it. Sometimes I forget, as a teacher, that my students are dealing with life outside my classroom. Just as I am human, I am dealing outside of it all too. 

Khadeem is so smart! He can be whatever he wants to be! Call that idealism, or absurd. I call it God's plan. He can do anything, even our impossible! If Khadeem wants to be president, he can! It is just a matter of him getting his heart in line and fighting through the tough stuff, coming upon the beautiful oasis of God's greatness. 

And I am beginning to realize the same applies to me also. I need to keep my eyes on that oasis instead of getting bogged down in the struggle right in front of me. I need to remember that same idealism, knowing God can do anything with me if I let him. 

Khadeem may not meet the goals for this summer, and that doesn't mean his journey is over. It just means that through failure God will lift him up. It means that he needs to get back up and try again. It means he needs to keep his heart on the prize, knowing God will get him there. And I need to take my own advice. Even if my body is tired, brain hurts and I feel so incapable. 

I can and I will. 

Prayer for: good health
prespective
perseverance. 


Wednesday, July 16, 2008

God's the teacher...I am the third grader.

And here I thought, "Whose smarter than a fifth grader," was a bogus television show. I realize now that most of us aren't! 

Today was much better than yesterday. I found my ability to teach an effective lesson, yesterday, plagued by bad behavior and a lack of interest. I guess I still need to learn not to beat myself up over the fact that some days will just out right suck. 

I am tired of my students walking all over me, behavior wise. So, this morning I laid down the law...Or at least I thought so. I think the most memorable moment was when my students were talking, and did not listen to my directions, so many got a consequence. Their faces were priceless, I don't think they ever thought I'd do that. And I did...It was not what I wanted to do, but it was the only way I knew we would get through the lesson. 

I prep myself for Wednesdays every week. Mostly because it's the night when I have 3 lesson plans due the next day. Actually, this time...I have 9 due tomorrow. Mostly because I have one less person in my group, which means for this coming week I double up on work. And if that is not challenging enough, it is one of the hardest lessons, in my opinion. I am teaching my children how to make inferences about a text. If you know what an inference is, raise your hand. I didn't know until 20 minutes ago, at least I did not know how to explain it. And by the end of next week I will be a pro at it!

I see my skills improving. But just as I feel somewhat decent I find some new skill or ability that is completely under developed. And through those moments I stay humble and focused on God's hand instead of my own. 

This experience has given me so much insight into my relationship with Christ. He is my teacher, and I am the talkative third grader who doesn't seem to find what He is telling me important; at least not most of the time. 

I look at my children, and see how I need to lay down the law sometimes. It is not because I want to be in control, but sometimes I need to redirect the class when they get off course. Because, if they fall off track then nothing productive can get done. I see the same with God. When he reprimands us, it is not because he wants to exert control. Rather, it is because he so passionately wants to see us succeed in His perfect plan. And our eyes grow big, our jaws drop and we never conceive Him ever doing such harsh things. Really though, they are acts of love and service to our own well-being. God stands firm because He loves me. Just the same, I stand firm with my children because I love them. I want them to succeed, follow their dreams. But they can't do that if they are always talking and not engaged. 

I see God in all 15 of my third graders. I see their hearts so ready to grasp onto his truth, and I am eager to share that wonder with them! 

I think the most difficult feeling is that of helplessness. Walking into that class every morning and feeling helpless to those kids. Not being able to teach the material they understand, or not getting them excited about it. 

I remember something I was once told, we as humans can only plant seeds, God has to do the rest. 

I realize in the grand scheme of this I do so little, while God takes care of most of it. I realize that all I can do is plant seeds of passion in my children's hearts that then God will nurture with their journeys after me. 

I am still struggling with not being perfect at this teaching stuff. But through the faults I find humility. 

Prayers:
For my lesson plans this evening. 
This weekend. That I can rest and be re-energized for the coming week.
That I keep looking for God in all places of this experience. 



Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Perspective.

I haven't been keeping up with this as much as I would like. However, I haven't been doing a lot of things as much as I wanted to during this time. 

I have a student named Khadeem. He is very smart, as all of my children are. However, the problem with Khadeem is that he does not believe in himself. Today, when the kids had to take a math benchmark, he began to cry. He cried because he did not understand it. I remember, so vividly, when I was in elementary school, doing math one day. I did not understand it and began to cry. I was so frustrated. I felt so incapable of accomplishing that math, and I did not believe in myself. Khadeem sat at his desk today and had no faith in his abilities. He was completely convinced that he was not smart enough, that he could not do it. 

And the thing is, he can! He is so smart, so capable of living the life God intended for him to have. He told me once that he wants to be a football player. He can do that! He can ace every position, score touchdowns and win the game, but he has to believe in himself first. 

I felt so helpless, so unable to show him how much he means to this world. How much he is worth and is going to contribute. I realized his lack of faith in himself paralyzed him. Khadeem was not able to accomplish the math test because he already told himself that he failed. He stopped himself from achieving. He was the very obstacle that stood in the way. 

Wow. This is exactly the relationship I have with God and His plan for me. He is telling me I can ace His tests, and I sit at my desk convinced I am worthless. I don't believe in myself, I stand in the way of my own abilities. God works so relentlessly to show me how much I can do, and am capable of. I just shut Him out, I write it all off because I don't believe it. I am sure God feels hopeless. I am sure, just like me with Khadeem, God is running out of ways to convince my heart that I can do His will. 

And, it is not a matter of me not being able to do it. I have proven my abilities, but still I doubt it. 

Khadeem did not pass the math test today, and there will be times when he fails. There are always times of failure, but that doesn't mean he isn't capable. It just means he has a lot of learning to do, and growing. I am going to fail often, especially in pursuit of God's perfect plan for me. However, it is not because I can't do it, but that the growing and learning never stops here on earth. 

I wrote "YOU ARE SMART" on a sticky note and stuck it on Khadeem's desk today. So every time he hung his head, he was reminded of all the things HE IS! God sticks that note on my heart everyday. One that says, "YOU'RE GOOD ENOUGH!" And some days it works, others I struggle to see the words through tears and frustration. 

I am beginning to feel why I am here. I look around at all my kids and realize one thing most of them lack is confidence in who they are. I have spent my entire life lacking that, and it was only through God's eyes that I saw my true value. 

I also see that just as my kids are growing into who they are, I am still doing the same too in my walk with Christ. 

I am exhausted, emotionally, mentally, and physically. But, if I can walk away this summer having shown one kid their worth in God's eyes then it was all worth it. 

Khadeem is going to be the greatest football player there is. I KNOW IT! And God tells me everyday that I am going to be the greatest person He has built to be. HE KNOWS IT! 

Prayers for strength, courage and perspective, thanks guys! 


Monday, July 7, 2008

Feeling God's Presence.

If there has been a day in my life where I really felt God's presence that was today. I went to bed at around 1AM this morning, which allowed me to get almost 5 hours of sleep. By the grace of God I functioned a lot better than I would normally on that much sleep. After hearing the stories of other people, I realize I was very blessed to get that much sleep. 

God has been at work all day in me. I can't say I have walked around with a great attitude and energized, but definitely aware of God's presence in all of this. 

When I got to school we had to hurry to our classrooms and do any last minute things. I hurried down to the cafeteria where I would then pick up my students. I realize that every year kids seem to get smaller and smaller. I remember when I thought third graders were so big, now they are just little babies to me. I tried really hard to get one of my students to open up and talk, but she just looked at me like I was crazy, which most of the time I am. 

God really blessed me with this class! I was nervous that the kids would misbehave on our way up to the room but they were very good! They were able to walk up the stairs without a teacher! That is impressive for third graders. Our teacher advisor is very good at what she does, and that has helped us out a lot! 

Our first task was to explain to the kids all the classroom rules and procedures. Since only one person had to do that, I was in charge of catching us up on diagnostics. That helped to ease my nerves a little as I was able to watch others teach and get a feel for what I would soon be doing. 

The hour before I taught was the shortest moment I had ever experienced. As I walked to the class my hands began to sweat, my heart started to race and I had to remind myself that God was in control, not me. I kept reminding myself that I just had to go in there and do my best, and that I would not be perfect. I had to be okay with that. I don't know if I will ever be, but I am working on it.

So today I talked about brainstorming for our personal narrative. I began by telling them what a personal narrative was. They seemed to get it, but I realize third grades need repetition. One day of telling them is not going to cut it. We need to work on it for days until they really get the hang of it. That is why they learn procedures so quickly, because they do them so often. 

I was terrified. So many different thoughts were rushing through my head and I had to keep reminding myself that God was in control. I had to keep pep-talking myself through the lesson. 

I wouldn't say it went as well as I wanted it to, but I got through it. That's a start! And I feel that I am slowly becoming more comfortable. I think that the more I know my students and build a presence in the classroom, the more God will shine through me. 

I was mentally and emotionally drained after that experience. However, God was good and gave me the energy to complete my two lesson plans that are due tomorrow. That helped me to alleviate the work load for this evening. I might get to go to bed a lot earlier tonight! 

I think the hardest part about today was teaching. Not because of my role, but because for the first time I saw the truth about this whole achievement gap. My students had to complete graphical organizers that had them brainstorming ideas.  Many of my students did not know how to spell HAPPY or BEACH. One of my students is so far below grade level that she cannot even write words. I look at this and ask myself, how am I going to be able to help these children? How will I be able to help this girl write a sentence by the end of the summer, much less a whole story! 

I keep grounded in the fact that God is greater than these impossible things and He will complete His perfect plan. But I get overwhelmed at this BIG task in front of me. I also realize how much I took my own education for granted. How much I did not appreciate the fact that I can read and write.

It is so weird, because I see my 13 year old girls at grace so highly educated for their age. And then I see these third graders who cannot even write down words. I don't quite know how this makes me feel yet, but I feel it all processing in my heart, and I know God will reveal it soon enough.

I am going to head off and eat dinner and then do some work before I head to bed. 

Things you can pray about for me are:

that I get enough rest this next week
that I let go and let God when I am in the classroom
that I can engage the students and teach effectively
that I look at all the places God is working in my life. 

Thanks guys, I really appreciate it!

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Struggle on the teaching front.

So...It is only the fourth day into this Teach for America thing and I am already doubting why I am here, and if I can do it. I feel weak and stupid and very incapable. Needless to say, I am really looking to God as my identity, since all the things I once thought of myself to be, are completely void in this setting. 

I found out Monday night that we were going to be giving our students diagnostic tests. We had to take a class that evening on how to administer this test, which was complicated. It had two parts, and consisted of a various part reading test, to see what level these kids are on. While, this assessment can be very helpful, for someone - like me - who learned it the night before, I saw my ability to be effective really suck. 

On Wednesday we gave these tests. During this time I felt so unorganized and all over the place. They were using the same materials for 80 people, who were trying to test 400 kids, within a three hour period. I realize how frustrating teachers feel when they have to share supplies with so many, and cannot adequately teach their lesson. I was able to complete three students' assessments, which was an accomplishment. 

I also found out that my first three lesson plans were due on Thursday morning. They did not actually teach us how to write one until wednesday afternoon, and even then a lot of confusion still existed. I will be teaching writing for my first week, so I had to write a lesson plan on brainstorming, introduction and middle paragraphs. Not knowing how to approach this on a third grade level, and what exactly I needed to complete this - I found myself up until very late putting words together. I spent six hours last night writing these lesson plans, and I felt like I didn't even understand what I was trying to teach. Third graders, how do I relate to them? How do I teach them? 

I feel so lost, overwhelmed, and most of all I am doubting my ability to be a teacher. I am wondering if my leadership abilities are really prepared to be a teacher. I feel like maybe I was desperate to find something to do after college that I chose this impulsively. But then I look at all the doors God opened and I feel like somehow I need to be here. I find my doubt is coming from exhaustion and failures I feel I've endured. 

Each day I wake up telling myself to stay positive. Looking for the little God moments, because I feel like that is were he will be most of the time. I feel Him using this experience to grow me on such a huge level, and I am excited for that. But teaching these kids terrify me. How to relate to third graders stumps me, and all the skills needed to do this profession make me feel inadequate. 

I want to cry. I want to sleep. I want to spend a day that is not consumed in this stuff. Where I can process everything I am doing, and digest what life is throwing at me. 

Please just pray that I find strength and encouragement in the Lord. That God works through me to touch these children, my students, and that I can persevere through the very hard moments. Like now.

Have a good weekend! 
Amiee