violent understandings.

The fourth graders of Waverly Elementary have been struggling with violence lately. Having a nine-year-old nephew who knows nothing about what violence means, I am amazed at the reality of these children I teach. Their first instinct is to fight. In their world it builds power and dominance. For my nine-year-old children fighting is the life they know.

I have had to break up fights everyday this week. To be honest when I walked into school I thought for a moment that my children's lives were much better. I figured that since they came to school everyday the disparities I heard about in the city were just a figment of my imagination. I know a part of me wanted to hope that if I didn't address them then they weren't real. But now, as I see these kids so ready to fight and be contributors to a violent world, I am saddened.

I had an incident with a girl in one of my classes. As I entered the room on Wednesday she was ready to fight a boy who had done something she didn't like. She tried various other times that day to fight other boy students in the class. I was irritated and amazed at her desire to punch someone. I did not understand why she was being such a jerk, to say the least. At one point, she got in my face when I told her she needed to do her work. I know none of my children are bad kids. They aren't, period..and I know she is not, but I didn't understand this anger. I didn't understand this desire to punch someone's lights out. It didn't make sense to me.

Yesterday I spoke with her mom in person. Her mom apologized for her daughter's behavior towards me and the class. I looked at my student who was sincerely sorry for her actions, but I still did not understand why. What was going through her head? The mom then said, "She should know better, she has seen what domestic violence does in the home, she should know better."

My heart broke. My eyes began to tear up. My student wasn't fighting because she wanted some power trip or respect. She was fighting to stay alive, because that is all she ever knew. She has seen men beat up on her mother, she has seen the sadness of fighting. And the only thing she knows to do when that happens is to fight back.

My heart broke for my student. Realizing that some people's act of violence is not because they want to gain respect or power, but just because for them that means surviving. My children's parents tell them "tell two times." That means if someone provokes them they ask them to stop twice. If after then they haven't stopped then violence is what they use to solve the problem.

My children aren't bad, and I keep saying that because so often people write off inner city kids as these barbarians. I have never felt so attached to a group of children before. I have never felt so in love with the idea of showing someone what they are made of. I have never had so much passion for a human being before, like these children.

I told my kids yesterday, "you are better than a fight! you are better than a punch!" And they heard me....But on the streets and in the homes those punches and fights are who they are. It is the way to survive and win the streets. It is a part of the culture they were bred and born into.

And in my heart I ask, "why does it have to be this way?" Why does Baltimore City have to be this way? Why do students have to suffer these disparities? Why do my kids have to live like this? Consumed in violence, disfunction and sadness.

God's plan overwhelms me. I am reminded that as long as I let Him work through me these kids will receive something great this year; Not because of me, but because of Him.

I believe in every child in my classroom. I believe that Noah is one of the most brilliant kids I have met. Or that Kadiv is going to be amazing things in this world. They are only fourth graders now but I see them as adults, showing this world what God is made of through their amazing-ness. I see their futures as bright and beautiful as they want to make them. This is classroom 220. The small, cramped oasis that harbors 25 brilliant children. Ready to take this world by the horns and show it what they are made of...A whole lot of God-given talents....that's what...not violence.

Changing the world...one good attitude at a time.

I was struggling with a vomit mouth for the first three weeks as a teacher. You know, when all that comes from your lips is negativity. I was only talking about all the bad things. I made life as a teacher seem, well....like hell...I hit rock bottom last Tuesday. I felt so overwhelmed, so at a loss for understanding how any of this was worthwhile or even working for my life. I felt like a failure, a complete and utter disgrace to this world. As I went home that night I realized what my problem had been all that time...I wasn't handing the reigns to God.

Wednesday was a transformation. I went to school that morning with a prayer journal in one hand and the desire to not let Satan's vomit come out of my mouth. I needed to trust that God was doing His work in my life and this profession. Thursday was a little better than Wednesday and so forth.

I finally began to see children and not behavioral issues. I began to see dreams and not disappointment. I saw how God answered my prayers and so quickly changed the attitude I had let get so far away from His glory.

I have come to realize how blessed God has made me in this situation. I hear about the horror stories of other teachers in Baltimore City and I can see how much God is apart of my classroom and the things that are happening.

The most amazing thing in this world is feeling and seeing Gods presence in a moment that feels for dark. That Wednesday morning I felt God's peace fill my heart, and I knew that this was all going to be okay...as soon as I handed it over to Him.

I can't change the world if I don't see it through God's eyes. I can't change the lives of these children if I don't believe in the goodness in their hearts. I just can't.

I want to make a difference. And I will...with this new attitude and heart I finally have accepted from God.

sucky teacher - that's me!

Teaching is....well, it's a whole new experience from any job I have experienced. I don't think anyone, who isn't a teacher, can understand what it means to be a teacher. To really be a teacher. I say that redundantly because it is true. Lately, I have gotten a lot of "You'll be great"'s and "you are a natural." The truth is, I royally suck. In all possible terms of the word, I suck. I suck at praising my children's good attributes, and suck at following through with consequences. I suck at getting things together and really understanding what it means to be a teacher. I suck at getting my reading center together and my grading system. Half the time I don't know where to start or how to go about doing any of it.

I have 25 fourth grade students, yet I only have 23 desks. My kids are messy, squirmy, and lack an essential in teaching - focus. Half the time they don't care because I am not interesting enough. And the other half, well they just rather talk to their friends. It has only taken me the past six days to realize that I suck.

I have never felt so low in my life before. So inadequate, so unqualified and so wanting and willing to quit God's plan for me. The past six days have been I quit days. I have cried a lot, been flustered, frustrated and upset. I feel like I am pushing a rock and it is not moving. Instead, my muscles get tighter, my hands start to hurt, and nothing comes from it. With each minute more of pushing the harder it gets and nothing comes from it. nothing...

The amazing thing about God's presence is in these moments His peace calms our hearts. Life royally sucks right now, kind of like my teaching. And yet God reminds me that the only person who will move that rock is Him. And the pushing, the agony, the pain HAS A PURPOSE! Each day I come home and heave and haw about having to go back the next day. I remember that God is working in this. That He wants me here. That He is building me up in Him.

One day last week, when I completely broke down. I had got lost coming home from work and ended up in a bad part of the city. It was raining. I was tired, I didn't feel well. Life just sucked, completely...As I drove down Northern Ave and listening to WRBS the lady on the radio said:

"Do you feel like God isn't around? That He isn't listening? Remember that God is ALWAYS with you. Maybe you are going through the pits of your struggle, but rejoice in the fact that you can relate to Jesus' suffering and struggles. This may be a time when God is building you spiritually."

WRBS has saved me these past six days. It has reminded me that, "I need to keep my eye on God and not on my struggles." It has reminded me that God wants me here, where I am. Even if it means being a sucky teacher.

I don't like teaching. In fact I hate it right now. I keep reminding myself that sometimes that despise-type-feeling is really just masking our inadequacies. I hate teaching because I am not good at it, and that is the only reason why. It is hard. I hate hard. Especially when I fail everyday.

Being a teacher is humbling. It reminds me of what is most important to God, His children. And it reminds me that no matter how badly I screw up, or suck He will always love me and be with me.

I have been struggling lately with being able to trust and go to God with my struggles. I find that my desire is to close off and be alone. Just seclude myself from everything, even God. I pray a lot less, which is the opposite of what I should be doing. I don't read His word as much as I want too. And I silently shun Him from my life. I feel so overwhelmed that I am not too sure what to go to Him with. I want to spend a day with Him only. Without the distractions, and really feel His presence.

As a teacher I am able to forget myself. I am able to make excuses for why I can neglect the needs of myself. I make myself feel bad for having needs. God is slowly showing me that I need to be healthy if I am going to do any good in the classroom.

My mind and heart are all over the place. My relationship with God is weak on my end.

Prayer for my relationship with God.
Prayer for me to start living God's plan for me instead of my own
Prayer for the warmth of humility.

And this story just beings to unfold.
Boy, what will happen as it ends in June.

Can't wait....