sucky teacher - that's me!

Teaching is....well, it's a whole new experience from any job I have experienced. I don't think anyone, who isn't a teacher, can understand what it means to be a teacher. To really be a teacher. I say that redundantly because it is true. Lately, I have gotten a lot of "You'll be great"'s and "you are a natural." The truth is, I royally suck. In all possible terms of the word, I suck. I suck at praising my children's good attributes, and suck at following through with consequences. I suck at getting things together and really understanding what it means to be a teacher. I suck at getting my reading center together and my grading system. Half the time I don't know where to start or how to go about doing any of it.

I have 25 fourth grade students, yet I only have 23 desks. My kids are messy, squirmy, and lack an essential in teaching - focus. Half the time they don't care because I am not interesting enough. And the other half, well they just rather talk to their friends. It has only taken me the past six days to realize that I suck.

I have never felt so low in my life before. So inadequate, so unqualified and so wanting and willing to quit God's plan for me. The past six days have been I quit days. I have cried a lot, been flustered, frustrated and upset. I feel like I am pushing a rock and it is not moving. Instead, my muscles get tighter, my hands start to hurt, and nothing comes from it. With each minute more of pushing the harder it gets and nothing comes from it. nothing...

The amazing thing about God's presence is in these moments His peace calms our hearts. Life royally sucks right now, kind of like my teaching. And yet God reminds me that the only person who will move that rock is Him. And the pushing, the agony, the pain HAS A PURPOSE! Each day I come home and heave and haw about having to go back the next day. I remember that God is working in this. That He wants me here. That He is building me up in Him.

One day last week, when I completely broke down. I had got lost coming home from work and ended up in a bad part of the city. It was raining. I was tired, I didn't feel well. Life just sucked, completely...As I drove down Northern Ave and listening to WRBS the lady on the radio said:

"Do you feel like God isn't around? That He isn't listening? Remember that God is ALWAYS with you. Maybe you are going through the pits of your struggle, but rejoice in the fact that you can relate to Jesus' suffering and struggles. This may be a time when God is building you spiritually."

WRBS has saved me these past six days. It has reminded me that, "I need to keep my eye on God and not on my struggles." It has reminded me that God wants me here, where I am. Even if it means being a sucky teacher.

I don't like teaching. In fact I hate it right now. I keep reminding myself that sometimes that despise-type-feeling is really just masking our inadequacies. I hate teaching because I am not good at it, and that is the only reason why. It is hard. I hate hard. Especially when I fail everyday.

Being a teacher is humbling. It reminds me of what is most important to God, His children. And it reminds me that no matter how badly I screw up, or suck He will always love me and be with me.

I have been struggling lately with being able to trust and go to God with my struggles. I find that my desire is to close off and be alone. Just seclude myself from everything, even God. I pray a lot less, which is the opposite of what I should be doing. I don't read His word as much as I want too. And I silently shun Him from my life. I feel so overwhelmed that I am not too sure what to go to Him with. I want to spend a day with Him only. Without the distractions, and really feel His presence.

As a teacher I am able to forget myself. I am able to make excuses for why I can neglect the needs of myself. I make myself feel bad for having needs. God is slowly showing me that I need to be healthy if I am going to do any good in the classroom.

My mind and heart are all over the place. My relationship with God is weak on my end.

Prayer for my relationship with God.
Prayer for me to start living God's plan for me instead of my own
Prayer for the warmth of humility.

And this story just beings to unfold.
Boy, what will happen as it ends in June.

Can't wait....