cracked glasses.

I never realized the magnitude of God in me being a teacher. Where I was a year ago compared to the life I live now is starkly different in comparison. I would be lying if I said I was on the same page as God when I started this Teach for America thing, I was as far away as I could possibly be. The beautiful part about all of this is seeing how right God was and how wrong I would have been. I realized even more recently that God's plan for me IS the best one, and HE really does have my best interest in mind. And while we are in the midst of living life, we don't see that so clearly. I have never felt so much love by someone before, because I've never had someone be completely selfless when it came to making decisions about my well-being.

When I first started the process of Teach for America I wanted to be a high school teacher. I wanted to teach secondary History and was convinced that I would end up there. I hated the idea of teaching elementary school kids mostly because they wouldn't understand me. Needless to say, I was assigned to elementary education. God went off-sides, and made a move completely off what we had rehearsed in the play books, at least in mine...

Then, as the reality of being an elementary school teacher began to sink in I realized that my new calling was only fifth grade. This became the new decision that I had made for God's plan for my life. Fifth grade was close enough to being in middle school and working with older kids. I had been doing youth ministry for middle schoolers for two years and was sure God wanted me to stick as close to that age-group as possible.

For the entire summer I prepped, prepared and got ready to be the most greatest fifth grade teacher there ever was. Then, two weeks before going into the classroom I got my cute little fourth grade classroom. God threw another low blow. I had finally become okay with being a fifth grade teacher and now he was turning the cards on me again. My entire world fell apart, I felt punked by my own God.

I didn't understand how our plan could have gone from secondary to fourth grade so quickly. These kids wouldn't connect with me, this would be a complete disaster, I wouldn't know the first thing at being a fourth grade teacher. This was absolutely absurd.

God never let go of his plan for me, even when I tried to wedge my own in there somehow. I had convinced myself that what I thought was in fact God's desire for my life was merely my own. And while I threw away any reasoning or faith needed to get on His bandwagon I just continued to try to reel him onto my little junky radio flyer. But I soon realized, with my fourth graders as an inspiration, how right he had been and how blind I was all that time.

I could not have handled high school and God knew that. I hear the horror stories of teachers getting punched, yelled at and students so far lost that only God could seep into their shattered worlds. I see the big difference between a fifth grader and fourth one. I see the challenge God had for me right in this very place I call home and fate now. I would have loved teaching secondary history much more than I do elementary, but God needed me to be apart of the 26 lives I teach now. And I could have only done that as a fourth grade teacher.

I am not crazy about what I am doing sometimes, but I am crazy about my God and His plan for my life.

God does not call the qualified, he qualifies the called. So if tomorrow His plan for me was digging ditches for His glory he'd hand me a shovel, some boots and a bucket. And I will one day realize how when the picture doesn't turn out quite right it's because I was wearing a pair of cracked glasses.

violent understandings.

The fourth graders of Waverly Elementary have been struggling with violence lately. Having a nine-year-old nephew who knows nothing about what violence means, I am amazed at the reality of these children I teach. Their first instinct is to fight. In their world it builds power and dominance. For my nine-year-old children fighting is the life they know.

I have had to break up fights everyday this week. To be honest when I walked into school I thought for a moment that my children's lives were much better. I figured that since they came to school everyday the disparities I heard about in the city were just a figment of my imagination. I know a part of me wanted to hope that if I didn't address them then they weren't real. But now, as I see these kids so ready to fight and be contributors to a violent world, I am saddened.

I had an incident with a girl in one of my classes. As I entered the room on Wednesday she was ready to fight a boy who had done something she didn't like. She tried various other times that day to fight other boy students in the class. I was irritated and amazed at her desire to punch someone. I did not understand why she was being such a jerk, to say the least. At one point, she got in my face when I told her she needed to do her work. I know none of my children are bad kids. They aren't, period..and I know she is not, but I didn't understand this anger. I didn't understand this desire to punch someone's lights out. It didn't make sense to me.

Yesterday I spoke with her mom in person. Her mom apologized for her daughter's behavior towards me and the class. I looked at my student who was sincerely sorry for her actions, but I still did not understand why. What was going through her head? The mom then said, "She should know better, she has seen what domestic violence does in the home, she should know better."

My heart broke. My eyes began to tear up. My student wasn't fighting because she wanted some power trip or respect. She was fighting to stay alive, because that is all she ever knew. She has seen men beat up on her mother, she has seen the sadness of fighting. And the only thing she knows to do when that happens is to fight back.

My heart broke for my student. Realizing that some people's act of violence is not because they want to gain respect or power, but just because for them that means surviving. My children's parents tell them "tell two times." That means if someone provokes them they ask them to stop twice. If after then they haven't stopped then violence is what they use to solve the problem.

My children aren't bad, and I keep saying that because so often people write off inner city kids as these barbarians. I have never felt so attached to a group of children before. I have never felt so in love with the idea of showing someone what they are made of. I have never had so much passion for a human being before, like these children.

I told my kids yesterday, "you are better than a fight! you are better than a punch!" And they heard me....But on the streets and in the homes those punches and fights are who they are. It is the way to survive and win the streets. It is a part of the culture they were bred and born into.

And in my heart I ask, "why does it have to be this way?" Why does Baltimore City have to be this way? Why do students have to suffer these disparities? Why do my kids have to live like this? Consumed in violence, disfunction and sadness.

God's plan overwhelms me. I am reminded that as long as I let Him work through me these kids will receive something great this year; Not because of me, but because of Him.

I believe in every child in my classroom. I believe that Noah is one of the most brilliant kids I have met. Or that Kadiv is going to be amazing things in this world. They are only fourth graders now but I see them as adults, showing this world what God is made of through their amazing-ness. I see their futures as bright and beautiful as they want to make them. This is classroom 220. The small, cramped oasis that harbors 25 brilliant children. Ready to take this world by the horns and show it what they are made of...A whole lot of God-given talents....that's what...not violence.

Changing the world...one good attitude at a time.

I was struggling with a vomit mouth for the first three weeks as a teacher. You know, when all that comes from your lips is negativity. I was only talking about all the bad things. I made life as a teacher seem, well....like hell...I hit rock bottom last Tuesday. I felt so overwhelmed, so at a loss for understanding how any of this was worthwhile or even working for my life. I felt like a failure, a complete and utter disgrace to this world. As I went home that night I realized what my problem had been all that time...I wasn't handing the reigns to God.

Wednesday was a transformation. I went to school that morning with a prayer journal in one hand and the desire to not let Satan's vomit come out of my mouth. I needed to trust that God was doing His work in my life and this profession. Thursday was a little better than Wednesday and so forth.

I finally began to see children and not behavioral issues. I began to see dreams and not disappointment. I saw how God answered my prayers and so quickly changed the attitude I had let get so far away from His glory.

I have come to realize how blessed God has made me in this situation. I hear about the horror stories of other teachers in Baltimore City and I can see how much God is apart of my classroom and the things that are happening.

The most amazing thing in this world is feeling and seeing Gods presence in a moment that feels for dark. That Wednesday morning I felt God's peace fill my heart, and I knew that this was all going to be okay...as soon as I handed it over to Him.

I can't change the world if I don't see it through God's eyes. I can't change the lives of these children if I don't believe in the goodness in their hearts. I just can't.

I want to make a difference. And I will...with this new attitude and heart I finally have accepted from God.

sucky teacher - that's me!

Teaching is....well, it's a whole new experience from any job I have experienced. I don't think anyone, who isn't a teacher, can understand what it means to be a teacher. To really be a teacher. I say that redundantly because it is true. Lately, I have gotten a lot of "You'll be great"'s and "you are a natural." The truth is, I royally suck. In all possible terms of the word, I suck. I suck at praising my children's good attributes, and suck at following through with consequences. I suck at getting things together and really understanding what it means to be a teacher. I suck at getting my reading center together and my grading system. Half the time I don't know where to start or how to go about doing any of it.

I have 25 fourth grade students, yet I only have 23 desks. My kids are messy, squirmy, and lack an essential in teaching - focus. Half the time they don't care because I am not interesting enough. And the other half, well they just rather talk to their friends. It has only taken me the past six days to realize that I suck.

I have never felt so low in my life before. So inadequate, so unqualified and so wanting and willing to quit God's plan for me. The past six days have been I quit days. I have cried a lot, been flustered, frustrated and upset. I feel like I am pushing a rock and it is not moving. Instead, my muscles get tighter, my hands start to hurt, and nothing comes from it. With each minute more of pushing the harder it gets and nothing comes from it. nothing...

The amazing thing about God's presence is in these moments His peace calms our hearts. Life royally sucks right now, kind of like my teaching. And yet God reminds me that the only person who will move that rock is Him. And the pushing, the agony, the pain HAS A PURPOSE! Each day I come home and heave and haw about having to go back the next day. I remember that God is working in this. That He wants me here. That He is building me up in Him.

One day last week, when I completely broke down. I had got lost coming home from work and ended up in a bad part of the city. It was raining. I was tired, I didn't feel well. Life just sucked, completely...As I drove down Northern Ave and listening to WRBS the lady on the radio said:

"Do you feel like God isn't around? That He isn't listening? Remember that God is ALWAYS with you. Maybe you are going through the pits of your struggle, but rejoice in the fact that you can relate to Jesus' suffering and struggles. This may be a time when God is building you spiritually."

WRBS has saved me these past six days. It has reminded me that, "I need to keep my eye on God and not on my struggles." It has reminded me that God wants me here, where I am. Even if it means being a sucky teacher.

I don't like teaching. In fact I hate it right now. I keep reminding myself that sometimes that despise-type-feeling is really just masking our inadequacies. I hate teaching because I am not good at it, and that is the only reason why. It is hard. I hate hard. Especially when I fail everyday.

Being a teacher is humbling. It reminds me of what is most important to God, His children. And it reminds me that no matter how badly I screw up, or suck He will always love me and be with me.

I have been struggling lately with being able to trust and go to God with my struggles. I find that my desire is to close off and be alone. Just seclude myself from everything, even God. I pray a lot less, which is the opposite of what I should be doing. I don't read His word as much as I want too. And I silently shun Him from my life. I feel so overwhelmed that I am not too sure what to go to Him with. I want to spend a day with Him only. Without the distractions, and really feel His presence.

As a teacher I am able to forget myself. I am able to make excuses for why I can neglect the needs of myself. I make myself feel bad for having needs. God is slowly showing me that I need to be healthy if I am going to do any good in the classroom.

My mind and heart are all over the place. My relationship with God is weak on my end.

Prayer for my relationship with God.
Prayer for me to start living God's plan for me instead of my own
Prayer for the warmth of humility.

And this story just beings to unfold.
Boy, what will happen as it ends in June.

Can't wait....

How I got here.

So...everyone knows that I am a teacher in Baltimore City, but very few know how I got here. I also find that the most asked question is "Why Baltimore City?" And it is a legitimate one, but I never really thought to share my journey until now.

It was a crisp summer morning. My roommate, Carly, and I walked up Massachusetts Ave. to American University's campus. We were meeting our campus pastor and some other friends for a day of white water rafting. The seven of us piled into Mike's caravan and we made the three-hour trekk to Ohiopyle Pennsylvania.

I had just finished my Junior year of college and was officially a senior. This time next year I would be done with the four years of sweat, tears and struggles and on my way to a career. I had majored in International Relations with the goal of going into the security sector. However, upon moving to the East Coast God had other plans for my life. I soon realized my heart was invested in children and ministry. I found myself journeying towards service in youth ministry, of some sort. For an international relations major, this passion change proved to be quite nerve-racking. On top of that, I began to realize God's place for me was in Baltimore City. I spent most of my junior year figuring all this out, and it wasn't until now, in May, that I began to wonder, "how will I pursue these passions?" I was not eqipped with any real degree or skill that would give me the ability to work with youth or be in ministry. I had an international relations degree,hardly noteworthy of what I now felt called to pursue in life.

My friend Liz was sitting in the front seat of the van. Her, me and Mike engaged in a conversation about what she was going to do now that she had graduated college. I had mentioned my concerns with the predicament I now found myself in and she quickly asked, "Why not join Teach for America?" I looked at her puzzled. Teach for what? That made no sense to me, and I didn't want to be a teacher. She explained that it was a program through Americorps that brought graduates with no education background into the classrooms, as part of the No Child Left Behind Act of 2001. I was intrigued and I felt a tug at my heart, that it was worth some research. Liz then said that Teach for America was one of the most selective companies in the nation, only hiring 10-20% of its applicants. For a mediocre student like me, I was sure that meant I would be a longshot candidate.

That weekend I researched Teach for America and something clicked inside of me. I realized first that I wasn't doing Teach for America for the program itself, but as the vessel in which I could serve Baltimore City with. I had learned that God had called me to the city, and I felt He was providing this opportunity as a means to accomplish that plan of His.

I did not waste anytime, I began preparing for the three month long interview. The first round consisted of an application, essays and test scores that I needed to submit. Before I began the application procress I prayed about it. I made the decision that I would put all I had into this process, but that only through God's will would I be a part of this. I found that making this commitment to leave it in God's hands made my experience so much better! And I saw God's hand work so much more! My Motto was "Prepare for Rain." And I trusted my instincts when it came to hearing what God needed from me during this process.

The night before my first application was due I re-wrote my letter of intent. I had spent two months working on this essay, but the night before I didn't feel like it was the one I needed to submit. So...three hours before I was to submit my application I re-wrote the entire thing! Looking back, it was one of the best pieces of writing I ever produced, mostly because God was in it.

I recieved an email a week later congratulating my advance to the next set of interviews. I was granted a phone interview! Again I left the results to God, I just did my best. I was notified a week after the phone interview that I had been accepted into the final round of interviews. This was an in-person interview. We, as candidates, were expected to pre-read particular articles and prepare a five minute lesson plan. This happened to fall during my mid-terms, which made the task even more daunting and challenging. None-the-less, I did my best and left the results to God.

I was so nervous that October day. I had prepared a 6th grade Lesson on the three branches of government. I remember being interviewed by Stephanie from the D.C. region. She asked me, "Why are you here? Of all the other social justice programs why Teach for America?" I took a deep breath and thought for a moment how I wanted to word my response. "Well.." I began, "I am very strong in my faith and part of the reason I chose Baltimore City was because I felt called to serve that community. I chose Teach for America because they believe in faith in the classroom, whatever that looks like for each individual. But Teach for America believes in passion and faith to accomplish dreams. I agree with that whole-heartedly."

I waited two weeks to hear from them on whether I had gotten the position or not. I was convinced that God was going to provide a secondary history position in the Baltimore region, for me. I was convinced.

I recieved a phone call that Tuesday evening from a perky woman. She greeted me. "Hey Amiee, I wanted to congradulate you on getting accepted with Teach for America! However, I wanted to call and talk with you as to why you were not placed in Baltimore." My heart dropped. I had told myself that if I did not get an offer in Baltimore I was not going to accept Teach for America. That was hard for me to hold true too now because I really grew to appreciate and love the organization. I kindly asked her what region I had been placed and she said, "Philadelphia." I tried hard to rationalize that maybe God was calling me to Philadelphia, but I knew I was called to serve the community of Baltimore City.

During this process of applying God had layed Baltimore City heavily on my heart. I began to research the school system, its salary, benefits package and other teaching fellows that I could potentially apply to. I was preparing for the rain I KNEW God was going to provide me with. I had done so much research that I knew how many college requirements were needed to teach in Baltimore. I knew that I was not qualified to teach high school history, however I still hoped something could happen to allow that. I realized after that I had so much faith in what God was asking of me that I prepared for it. I did not hesitate or doubt, I made sure that I had everything in line for when God gave me that job in Baltimore City.

I stood conflicted. I either took Teach for America in Philadelphia or waited for God to provide for me in Baltimore City. I was honest with the woman and told her I was thinking about rejecting the offer. That following week I had a Teach for America representative call or email me everyday. They kept telling me the pros of the organization and I kept saying, "Trust me, I want to be a part of this organization really badly, but I need to be in Baltimore City more." I tried emailing the organization about even getting placed in California, where I am originally from, but got a response saying, "Sorry, we do not accomodate region changes under any circumstances." I knew what I had to do, reject Teach for America.

My heart was heavy the night I clicked the "reject" button. I felt like I was losing a piece of me, something I had worked so hard for. But I did not regret the decision as I felt God was calling me to Baltimore City, and I wanted to pursue that. I had decided I would work two waitressing jobs until God brought that rain I had been preparing for.

A day after I submitted my decision I received a phone call from a local recruiter. She was not supportive of my decision and asked what it would take for me to reconsider. "Being placed in Baltimore" was my response. She told me to watch out for an email from her. That she was going to look into why I wasn't placed in Baltimore. I also recieved an email from a woman, Brooke, who was beginning the faith-based movement within Teach for America. She had heard my story somehow and wanted to speak with me, so we set up a phone conversation.

Brooke was by far one of the greatest highlights of my Teach for America experience. When I heard her southern accent on the other end of the phone, talking about her passion for Christ and her faith I was even more saddened that I could not be a part of this organization. Yet, I was encouraged to continue trusting in God's plan for me, knowing He would bring that rain. Before we hung up, she prayed for me and God's plan for my life. A couple hours later I recieved an email from the Vice President of Admissions with Teach for America. She informed me that I did not qualify to teach in Maryland. I did not qualify for secondary content areas and was 3 credits short of math on the elementary level. She told me that she was going to take my case to the state board to see if they would accomodate me. I instantly remembered the credit requirements for teaching in Maryland, I saw on the Baltimore Teacher Residency website. It clearly stated that I only needed 6 math credits, which I had. I emailed this lady back in response and asked if Teach for America and the BCTR had the same requirements. Apparently the state education board required TFA to have 9 math credits while the BCTR only needed 6. I sent them the website address so they could do their own research and waited for God's rain to come.

A week later I recieved a phone call from the V.P. of admissions asking if I would be interested in teaching elementary school in Baltimore. Apparently TFA was unaware of the different requirements and the state education board re-assessed the discreponsy. Thus, not only was I able to teach in Baltimore now, but other people who had encountered that same problem could teach there too. So...In that moment I became a Baltimore Teach for America Corps Member.

I was still bummed that I wasn't going to be teaching on the secondary level, but through my journey thus far I have seen God's hand in every place. I have realized that He has me teaching in my school, this grade level for His perfect plan. This is the one place in my life that I have given God complete control of. It is the one place in my life that I have found the most spiritual growth and maturity. I look at my experience and see God's hand all over it. I also realize that He could not have gotten me here if I didn't trust in His calling on my heart and if I didn't prepare for the rain I knew He was going to bring.

I sometimes forget this testimony, but when I think about it, my faith and trust gets grounded back in His Holiness. I begin to realize that He has a plan for everything and if I don't trust Him, He can't carry me there.

Pray that I can trust the Lord
that I can have faith, especially when the Devil exerts doubt.

He has carried me this far, why will he leave me now? He wont. That's what this constantly reminds me of.

can I get through?

How do I lead my class when I am all out of everything? How do I walk into the classroom ready to command a classroom when I am tired, sick and broken? I have been wondering about this in the past week. I am on reserve. I am scrounging up all the energy I have to teach these children. 

And yet, all I can think about are the things in my life that seem to be falling apart at the seams. I am trying to show my kids what an inference is and in the back of my mind I am thinking about how she may not be here next week. How our evening movie nights will be one person short. How my weekends spent in the sun room with her will be memories I cherish so dearly. 

Every morning when I wake up I open up my jewelry container and stare at the cross earrings she gave me. And I can feel God's peace speaking into my heart, but I feel it shattering at the same time with the thought of having to say good-bye. How do I teach when I am a complete mess in every other part of this life I live? 

And yet, here is Teach for America telling me I need to push forward. I need to leave the "baggage" at the door and think about the children. I need to remember why I am standing in front of that classroom every morning; for them. 

Teaching is a hard job in itself. Yet, to add personal struggle and trial makes that so much more daunting. So how have I been doing it? What keeps getting me up in the morning? Why do I keep gravitating towards that classroom where 15 third graders sit? I come back for them. I find some way to compose myself enough to really try my best for their futures.  

I think of my student Khadeem. He has been struggling lately because he hasn't been able to see his mom. She deals with addiction and his step-father wont let Khadeem see her. Naturally, all Khadeem wants is to be with his mom, and he can't be. So he comes to class and acts up. And deep down I see that he is just trying to deal with this pain, this brokenness. I feel that pain with him. The feeling of knowing that someone you love can't be there with you. I see these children and their trails each day. I hear how they are labeled "basic." I see how the rest of the world looks at them. I see the doubt every one has in their futures, all because of this life they were dealt. 

I keep coming back every morning because they aren't basic. I keep coming back because to me they are the smartest, most precious things this world has. I keep coming back everyday because I believe in their futures, in fact I can already picture them. I come back because they don't need a saviour, that is Jesus, but my students need a cheerleader. Someone who is going to root them on in their darkest hours, encourage them, show them humility and write them an encouraging note on a bad day. That is why I can get up every morning. That is why I can some how fight back the tears, the exhaustion and keep going. I am doing it for them. Not for every child in this world, but for my fifteen kids. For Daimain, Dominick, Ashley, Khadeem, Nyja, Angel, Juan, Josue, Regina, Celeste, Ciara, Dianaliz, Elora, Esmerelda, Cassandra, Naomi...I do this for them. 

I still have bad days. Moments when I have to collect my heart. Wipe of tears and really try to get through the day. These kids have shown me what it means to be relentless, to persevere. These kids have taught me what it feels like to face adversity. Khadeem has taught me what it's like to hurt in a way that makes us wonder, can I get through today? And we can, he can. And we will. 

schedule...

My day:

Wake up @ 535AM

Put on my flip-flops, grab my lunch box. 

Head down to fill my lunch box and grab breakfast. 

My lunch is the same everyday: turkey sandwich, apple, banana, water and chips. 

Breakfast has no variety: bagel and water and apple and banana. 

Arrive back to room @ 6AM

Eat my breakfast while I check my email.

Find a scripture for the day, to think about and pray over. 

@ 615AM

Get dressed, brush teeth and get ready for the day. 

@640AM

Grab stuff and head off to the bus. 

@715AM

Arrive at school. 

Sign-in

Check mailbox

turn in assignments

Head to classroom

@730AM

prepare for lesson, math/literacy hour

distribute pencils for students

clean up lesson materials from day before

organize life...

@8AM

Students arrive

Stand at the front of the class with my teacher face.

Hand out stickers to those who come in and sit quietly. 

Do daily stretches with kids. 

@9AM

Begin Word Study and Reading lesson 

@1035AM 

Finish lesson for the day, transition with teaching partner. 

@1040

Curriculum session

@1230

C.S. session ends, head up to classroom. 

@1230

Meet with Teaching Advisor to go over the day's lesson. 

@1245

Lunch! Time to breathe!

@115

C.S session 2 begins 

@250

Some other class, depends on the day. 

@420PM

Session ends (YAY!) 

head to bus to go back to dorms. 

@ 515PM

Dinner time! (well, normally). 

@6PM

Night workshops. 

@8PM

begin homework for the next day

@1130-1200

Get ready for bed, take a shower. 

@1200

SLEEP! (WHEW!)

I have never been so aware of every minute in a day before this experience. Now, I count every minute as valued, and realize that if my life is not micro-organized I am being unproductive. Well, at least in a Teach for America context.

I just wanted to give you a visual of what an average day looks like for me this week...

Prayer for strength, endurance and perspective, that I really focus on God's lens and not my own selfish one.

Thanks! More later, time to sleep. 

I will.

My body is tired, my brain hurts but my heart keeps going. I have come to the conclusion that this is exactly how a teacher feels everyday. It goes far beyond Philadelphia Institute. It goes far beyond the 9-5 work week. Every day, a teacher keeps going not because of the energy they can sustain, but the passion in their hearts. At least that is what keeps me going each day. 

Khadeem is going down hill quickly. He doesn't pay attention anymore. He just disrupts the class. My first instinct is to punish him, but that doesn't have any effect. Khadeem acts out because he is struggling. 

I had a bad attitude at school today. I was tired, unfocused and all over the place. I didn't pay attention or contribute productively today but not intentionally. My behavior affected my actions at school today. I see Khadeem to be in the same boat. He is just trying to process his struggles outside of school, and sometimes if he doesn't get it all figured out they mix together. 

I think about the grace I ask from my colleagues and advisors on days like these. Shouldn't I give the same grace to Khadeem? I need too. 

I look at these children and see their stories. Dianaliz, Dominick, Angel, Juan, Josue, Celeste, Regina; each of them have a story. Each of them have struggles and obstacles to overcome. For the past four weeks we have been so focused on achievement, forgetting that as humans we are all just trying to make it. Sometimes I forget, as a teacher, that my students are dealing with life outside my classroom. Just as I am human, I am dealing outside of it all too. 

Khadeem is so smart! He can be whatever he wants to be! Call that idealism, or absurd. I call it God's plan. He can do anything, even our impossible! If Khadeem wants to be president, he can! It is just a matter of him getting his heart in line and fighting through the tough stuff, coming upon the beautiful oasis of God's greatness. 

And I am beginning to realize the same applies to me also. I need to keep my eyes on that oasis instead of getting bogged down in the struggle right in front of me. I need to remember that same idealism, knowing God can do anything with me if I let him. 

Khadeem may not meet the goals for this summer, and that doesn't mean his journey is over. It just means that through failure God will lift him up. It means that he needs to get back up and try again. It means he needs to keep his heart on the prize, knowing God will get him there. And I need to take my own advice. Even if my body is tired, brain hurts and I feel so incapable. 

I can and I will. 

Prayer for: good health

prespective

perseverance. 

God's the teacher...I am the third grader.

And here I thought, "Whose smarter than a fifth grader," was a bogus television show. I realize now that most of us aren't! 

Today was much better than yesterday. I found my ability to teach an effective lesson, yesterday, plagued by bad behavior and a lack of interest. I guess I still need to learn not to beat myself up over the fact that some days will just out right suck. 

I am tired of my students walking all over me, behavior wise. So, this morning I laid down the law...Or at least I thought so. I think the most memorable moment was when my students were talking, and did not listen to my directions, so many got a consequence. Their faces were priceless, I don't think they ever thought I'd do that. And I did...It was not what I wanted to do, but it was the only way I knew we would get through the lesson. 

I prep myself for Wednesdays every week. Mostly because it's the night when I have 3 lesson plans due the next day. Actually, this time...I have 9 due tomorrow. Mostly because I have one less person in my group, which means for this coming week I double up on work. And if that is not challenging enough, it is one of the hardest lessons, in my opinion. I am teaching my children how to make inferences about a text. If you know what an inference is, raise your hand. I didn't know until 20 minutes ago, at least I did not know how to explain it. And by the end of next week I will be a pro at it!

I see my skills improving. But just as I feel somewhat decent I find some new skill or ability that is completely under developed. And through those moments I stay humble and focused on God's hand instead of my own. 

This experience has given me so much insight into my relationship with Christ. He is my teacher, and I am the talkative third grader who doesn't seem to find what He is telling me important; at least not most of the time. 

I look at my children, and see how I need to lay down the law sometimes. It is not because I want to be in control, but sometimes I need to redirect the class when they get off course. Because, if they fall off track then nothing productive can get done. I see the same with God. When he reprimands us, it is not because he wants to exert control. Rather, it is because he so passionately wants to see us succeed in His perfect plan. And our eyes grow big, our jaws drop and we never conceive Him ever doing such harsh things. Really though, they are acts of love and service to our own well-being. God stands firm because He loves me. Just the same, I stand firm with my children because I love them. I want them to succeed, follow their dreams. But they can't do that if they are always talking and not engaged. 

I see God in all 15 of my third graders. I see their hearts so ready to grasp onto his truth, and I am eager to share that wonder with them! 

I think the most difficult feeling is that of helplessness. Walking into that class every morning and feeling helpless to those kids. Not being able to teach the material they understand, or not getting them excited about it. 

I remember something I was once told, we as humans can only plant seeds, God has to do the rest. 

I realize in the grand scheme of this I do so little, while God takes care of most of it. I realize that all I can do is plant seeds of passion in my children's hearts that then God will nurture with their journeys after me. 

I am still struggling with not being perfect at this teaching stuff. But through the faults I find humility. 

Prayers:

For my lesson plans this evening. 

This weekend. That I can rest and be re-energized for the coming week.

That I keep looking for God in all places of this experience. 

Perspective.

I haven't been keeping up with this as much as I would like. However, I haven't been doing a lot of things as much as I wanted to during this time. 

I have a student named Khadeem. He is very smart, as all of my children are. However, the problem with Khadeem is that he does not believe in himself. Today, when the kids had to take a math benchmark, he began to cry. He cried because he did not understand it. I remember, so vividly, when I was in elementary school, doing math one day. I did not understand it and began to cry. I was so frustrated. I felt so incapable of accomplishing that math, and I did not believe in myself. Khadeem sat at his desk today and had no faith in his abilities. He was completely convinced that he was not smart enough, that he could not do it. 

And the thing is, he can! He is so smart, so capable of living the life God intended for him to have. He told me once that he wants to be a football player. He can do that! He can ace every position, score touchdowns and win the game, but he has to believe in himself first. 

I felt so helpless, so unable to show him how much he means to this world. How much he is worth and is going to contribute. I realized his lack of faith in himself paralyzed him. Khadeem was not able to accomplish the math test because he already told himself that he failed. He stopped himself from achieving. He was the very obstacle that stood in the way. 

Wow. This is exactly the relationship I have with God and His plan for me. He is telling me I can ace His tests, and I sit at my desk convinced I am worthless. I don't believe in myself, I stand in the way of my own abilities. God works so relentlessly to show me how much I can do, and am capable of. I just shut Him out, I write it all off because I don't believe it. I am sure God feels hopeless. I am sure, just like me with Khadeem, God is running out of ways to convince my heart that I can do His will. 

And, it is not a matter of me not being able to do it. I have proven my abilities, but still I doubt it. 

Khadeem did not pass the math test today, and there will be times when he fails. There are always times of failure, but that doesn't mean he isn't capable. It just means he has a lot of learning to do, and growing. I am going to fail often, especially in pursuit of God's perfect plan for me. However, it is not because I can't do it, but that the growing and learning never stops here on earth. 

I wrote "YOU ARE SMART" on a sticky note and stuck it on Khadeem's desk today. So every time he hung his head, he was reminded of all the things HE IS! God sticks that note on my heart everyday. One that says, "YOU'RE GOOD ENOUGH!" And some days it works, others I struggle to see the words through tears and frustration. 

I am beginning to feel why I am here. I look around at all my kids and realize one thing most of them lack is confidence in who they are. I have spent my entire life lacking that, and it was only through God's eyes that I saw my true value. 

I also see that just as my kids are growing into who they are, I am still doing the same too in my walk with Christ. 

I am exhausted, emotionally, mentally, and physically. But, if I can walk away this summer having shown one kid their worth in God's eyes then it was all worth it. 

Khadeem is going to be the greatest football player there is. I KNOW IT! And God tells me everyday that I am going to be the greatest person He has built to be. HE KNOWS IT! 

Prayers for strength, courage and perspective, thanks guys! 

Feeling God's Presence.

If there has been a day in my life where I really felt God's presence that was today. I went to bed at around 1AM this morning, which allowed me to get almost 5 hours of sleep. By the grace of God I functioned a lot better than I would normally on that much sleep. After hearing the stories of other people, I realize I was very blessed to get that much sleep. 

God has been at work all day in me. I can't say I have walked around with a great attitude and energized, but definitely aware of God's presence in all of this. 

When I got to school we had to hurry to our classrooms and do any last minute things. I hurried down to the cafeteria where I would then pick up my students. I realize that every year kids seem to get smaller and smaller. I remember when I thought third graders were so big, now they are just little babies to me. I tried really hard to get one of my students to open up and talk, but she just looked at me like I was crazy, which most of the time I am. 

God really blessed me with this class! I was nervous that the kids would misbehave on our way up to the room but they were very good! They were able to walk up the stairs without a teacher! That is impressive for third graders. Our teacher advisor is very good at what she does, and that has helped us out a lot! 

Our first task was to explain to the kids all the classroom rules and procedures. Since only one person had to do that, I was in charge of catching us up on diagnostics. That helped to ease my nerves a little as I was able to watch others teach and get a feel for what I would soon be doing. 

The hour before I taught was the shortest moment I had ever experienced. As I walked to the class my hands began to sweat, my heart started to race and I had to remind myself that God was in control, not me. I kept reminding myself that I just had to go in there and do my best, and that I would not be perfect. I had to be okay with that. I don't know if I will ever be, but I am working on it.

So today I talked about brainstorming for our personal narrative. I began by telling them what a personal narrative was. They seemed to get it, but I realize third grades need repetition. One day of telling them is not going to cut it. We need to work on it for days until they really get the hang of it. That is why they learn procedures so quickly, because they do them so often. 

I was terrified. So many different thoughts were rushing through my head and I had to keep reminding myself that God was in control. I had to keep pep-talking myself through the lesson. 

I wouldn't say it went as well as I wanted it to, but I got through it. That's a start! And I feel that I am slowly becoming more comfortable. I think that the more I know my students and build a presence in the classroom, the more God will shine through me. 

I was mentally and emotionally drained after that experience. However, God was good and gave me the energy to complete my two lesson plans that are due tomorrow. That helped me to alleviate the work load for this evening. I might get to go to bed a lot earlier tonight! 

I think the hardest part about today was teaching. Not because of my role, but because for the first time I saw the truth about this whole achievement gap. My students had to complete graphical organizers that had them brainstorming ideas.  Many of my students did not know how to spell HAPPY or BEACH. One of my students is so far below grade level that she cannot even write words. I look at this and ask myself, how am I going to be able to help these children? How will I be able to help this girl write a sentence by the end of the summer, much less a whole story! 

I keep grounded in the fact that God is greater than these impossible things and He will complete His perfect plan. But I get overwhelmed at this BIG task in front of me. I also realize how much I took my own education for granted. How much I did not appreciate the fact that I can read and write.

It is so weird, because I see my 13 year old girls at grace so highly educated for their age. And then I see these third graders who cannot even write down words. I don't quite know how this makes me feel yet, but I feel it all processing in my heart, and I know God will reveal it soon enough.

I am going to head off and eat dinner and then do some work before I head to bed. 

Things you can pray about for me are:

that I get enough rest this next week

that I let go and let God when I am in the classroom

that I can engage the students and teach effectively

that I look at all the places God is working in my life. 

Thanks guys, I really appreciate it!

Struggle on the teaching front.

So...It is only the fourth day into this Teach for America thing and I am already doubting why I am here, and if I can do it. I feel weak and stupid and very incapable. Needless to say, I am really looking to God as my identity, since all the things I once thought of myself to be, are completely void in this setting. 

I found out Monday night that we were going to be giving our students diagnostic tests. We had to take a class that evening on how to administer this test, which was complicated. It had two parts, and consisted of a various part reading test, to see what level these kids are on. While, this assessment can be very helpful, for someone - like me - who learned it the night before, I saw my ability to be effective really suck. 

On Wednesday we gave these tests. During this time I felt so unorganized and all over the place. They were using the same materials for 80 people, who were trying to test 400 kids, within a three hour period. I realize how frustrating teachers feel when they have to share supplies with so many, and cannot adequately teach their lesson. I was able to complete three students' assessments, which was an accomplishment. 

I also found out that my first three lesson plans were due on Thursday morning. They did not actually teach us how to write one until wednesday afternoon, and even then a lot of confusion still existed. I will be teaching writing for my first week, so I had to write a lesson plan on brainstorming, introduction and middle paragraphs. Not knowing how to approach this on a third grade level, and what exactly I needed to complete this - I found myself up until very late putting words together. I spent six hours last night writing these lesson plans, and I felt like I didn't even understand what I was trying to teach. Third graders, how do I relate to them? How do I teach them? 

I feel so lost, overwhelmed, and most of all I am doubting my ability to be a teacher. I am wondering if my leadership abilities are really prepared to be a teacher. I feel like maybe I was desperate to find something to do after college that I chose this impulsively. But then I look at all the doors God opened and I feel like somehow I need to be here. I find my doubt is coming from exhaustion and failures I feel I've endured. 

Each day I wake up telling myself to stay positive. Looking for the little God moments, because I feel like that is were he will be most of the time. I feel Him using this experience to grow me on such a huge level, and I am excited for that. But teaching these kids terrify me. How to relate to third graders stumps me, and all the skills needed to do this profession make me feel inadequate. 

I want to cry. I want to sleep. I want to spend a day that is not consumed in this stuff. Where I can process everything I am doing, and digest what life is throwing at me. 

Please just pray that I find strength and encouragement in the Lord. That God works through me to touch these children, my students, and that I can persevere through the very hard moments. Like now.

Have a good weekend! 

Amiee 

Day 1 - June 30, 2008

Briefly,

I have a lot of people interested in what I am doing up in Philadelphia with Teach for America. I decided, rather than making many exasperating phone calls, as explaining this stuff will require that. Instead, I thought writing this stuff down, as much I can, will be a great way to keep you in the loop, and also ask for prayers along the way (I'll need them!). 

If you have any questions, or encouragements PLEASE fill free to leave them, as I am sure they will be appreciated. I can already see God's greatness in all of this, but goodness, I never anticipated it being so overwhelming. 

Anyway, here is the first day, hope your week is going well! 

God Bless

-AL

DAY 1:

I woke up at 5:15AM this morning to give myself plenty of time to get ready and head to breakfast. I thought I was really preparing myself for an early and on time arrival to the bus at 6:45. However, unknown to me, the lunch line was massive and the breakfast hall was chaos. I guess that is what happens when 700 people are all trying to eat and pack their lunches in the same hour. I am a little discouraged because waking up at 515AM was extremely difficult, and now my time will be spent waiting in lines rather than getting ready. Oh well, God has a plan for it all, and I know the time will be something I get used too. 

I was one of the last people on the bus, I guess they left others after I had arrived, which was a blessing. Not that the others got left behind, but that I secured a seat. We arrived at Fairhill Elementary School about 15 minutes later and was greeted by the peppy staff and hot classrooms. Somehow the air conditioner was not working. I definitely appreciated the circulating air when I experienced it. For a moment I complained and expected better service than this, but I remembered where I was. I also grounded myself in the Jamaica mission trip I took last year, remembering that air conditioning and working bathrooms are a luxury not all of us are able to have. I guess, I did not expect that to be the case in America, where I live among so much. 

It was a long day. We began at 7AM and did not leave until 430PM. It was a day full of lecturing and orientating. In a way I was happy about this, because I am not ready to go into a classroom and teach. That will happen soon enough though. I start teaching third grade on Monday However, I just found out today that I will be giving diagnostic assessments on Wednesday. 

Our mentor, Ms. Morris, is a little scattered, but she has a good heart. Although I was strategically looking for what she can provide my team and me, God reminded me she is His child and created in His image. That really brought me back to where I needed to be. 

I have 17 students in my class, but our group was warned that this could change. We could even be placed in a different class if things do not work out with Ms. Morris. I am most afraid of this. I really have no knowledge of what is to come, I feel in the dark and uncertain. I feel like all I can plan for is the week in front of me, and I normally like to have my whole summer mapped out. I see God using this to show me the importance of being flexible and embracing change. I can't say it feels too comfortable right now, but Teach for America is definitely about stepping outside of your box. 

We left our school and headed back to the university. I am staying at Temple University in Philadelphia. It is in one of the worst parts, and the campus is pretty spread out. I am kind of worried about this, but I know God would not bring me to a place that would be harmful. I feel like it will be good practice for Baltimore. We had dinner at 5 or so, I was so hungry. I had eaten lunch at 11AM today and then nothing until dinner. They really are not good at making sure we have energy. Most of this program is contingent upon our own efforts, including packing snacks and water for the day. 

I have training at 7 tonight. It will last for two hours. I am not too sure how I am going to get through anymore, especially since I have to wake up again tomorrow at 5AM. God will get me through. 

I have decided to make a calender of the days I have left. I think it will keep me hopeful. On a good note, God has blessed me with the ability to come home for the fourth. We have a half day so I can get back to town in the early afternoon. I am looking forward to that. However, I will need to spend a chunk of saturday doing some lesson planning. Maybe I will beg one of my teacher friends to help me, oh the perks...

I can definitely say that I am exhausted and terrified. I am also slightly excited and hopeful. My friends and I have been talking a lot this evening and find we have a lot of venting we need to do. I want to be realistic about my time here, it will be hard and challenging. However, I need to keep reminding myself that God has the reigns and is in control, and with that comes eternal hope, faith and victory. 

I am worried about failing and not being what my students need to succeed. Again, I need to hand those worries for God. 

So prayer requests for me would definitely be: 

That I get enough sleep

Have energy

stay encouraged and hopeful

Trust God's plan, especially when I can't see it. 

Well, I need to head off to my final activity for the day. I already took my shower and plan to be in bed as soon as I possibly can! 

Thanks for your support, and you will be hearing from me shortly.

God Bless

-AL